Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
is losing your mind a hobby?
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.