Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Brilliant!
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.