Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Woman: I make my pasta from scratch. Have you?
Me: I’ve made ice from scratch.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*