Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
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I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.