Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

The Friday File.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

Thursday

“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.