Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge

Me: yes

9: you gonna cook it?

Me: yes

9: I love you

Me: I know

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.