Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

[learning to drive stick]

Dad: hands at 10 and 2

Me: ok

Dad: now go ahead and shift

Me: *sweating*

Dad: shift

Me: *slowly moves hand*

Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

My iPhone does NOT rule my life.

Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.

I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate