CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I hate when that happens.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.