Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

Lmao the reply

*cop pulls me over*

Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?

Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?

*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

Humor: the only thing I like dry.

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.