Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

[being stabbed]

me: please, just do one thing for me…

murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today

If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.

[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.

A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”

And now we wait…

Finally my winter fat has gone!

I now have spring rolls.

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC

I hate when that happens.

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.