Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
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Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
