Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Brands during Pride

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy

Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}

M: Nearly done now

C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}

M: All finished

C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}

M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower

me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.