Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

Lassie, get help!

Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.

I’m a carb girl, born and bread

No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

Cop: Stand on one leg

Me: *does it*

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards

Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba

Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything

Me: *starts sweating*

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?