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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.