captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
You Might Also Like
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?