captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.