Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email