Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.