Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Tier 3 meme
