Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I’m not proud
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
