Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
When they try to steal your moment.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Introverted vegans go meetless
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain