Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
B
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
When you let grandma cat sit
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.