Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
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Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Drive like no one is watching.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
No flush
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
