Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
File under excellent bookstore names.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.