Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.

Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.