Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or