Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*

Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

Kids forever killing vibes 💀

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please