Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*