Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

A Parenting Mad Lib:

Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!

Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

synchronized noseblowing

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.

SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?

SCARECROW:Oh I forgot

SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…

SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.