captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
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My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!