Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Xylophonist Shredding It

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

When my husband says I don’t get out enough with the kids when they’re off school in the summer, I like to remind him it’s called being a stay-at-home mom and not a leave-the-house mom.

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

When a mom hears the words

“Mom, don’t be mad…”

We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”

THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.