Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Him: ok now put a worm on the hook

Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!

Anybody: I’d be happy to—

John Lennon: Not just anybody!

Anybody: Okay then.

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

publisher: tell me all about it

orwell: it’s about a farm

publisher: sounds good

orwell: with animals

publisher: naturally

orwell: and they’re fascists

publisher: of course

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?