Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!

Wipe it on Daddy’s

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

This January has 47 Mondays

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.

So much for trying to
be Friends.

The key to being remembered isn’t delivering some big all encompassing piece of wisdom, my grandpa taught me that pinching the tail of a shrimp helps you get all the meat out and now he briefly lives again each time I go shrimp mode (happens a lot)

Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.

Me: I’m not paranoid.

Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?

Ferrari squats

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.