captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?