Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker

Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?

Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends

Lawyer: remember, you took an oath

Me: just one friend

Lawyer: an oath on the Bible

Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.