captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.