@Owl_Meat

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

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@Reverend_Scott

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

@hotsoccerchic69

Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people

@splendidland

i’m a prison guard. when i sleep i go “*snorrrrrrrre, mimimimimimi*”, my biggest fear in life is someone stealing the big ring of keys i keep on my belt

@NinsunG

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…

– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

@david8hughes

[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

@_mcgoof

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

@michael_hendrix

Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.