She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Great Gatsby (2013), Wolf of Wallstreet (2013), Django Unchained (2012): Leonardo DiCaprio is rich and screams at people
i’m a prison guard. when i sleep i go “*snorrrrrrrre, mimimimimimi*”, my biggest fear in life is someone stealing the big ring of keys i keep on my belt
A French press is when you hug naked
My signature move is not caring which one yours is.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on…
– me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.