captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

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Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam’s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.


There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.


Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss


date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind


Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.


COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.


Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.


Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*


I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.