captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?