captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
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The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I only say stupid things when I talk.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.