Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.

Get real…

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target