Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
You Might Also Like
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”