Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.

Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

This guy blowing through stop signs to get to church on time must be pious as hell.

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

Ummm

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity

Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here

Satan: wait no

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)