Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day

Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

Are you ok, human???

Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant

DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…

STICK BUG WIFE: …and?

DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick