“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

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Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.


Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘


I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.


When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random


“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever


I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.


Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.


I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.


WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?