@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

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@VerbsRProudest

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.

@hippieswordfish

Cop burst through every window of my house as I perform the illegal Google search ‘teen age mutant ninja turtles with no Shells on ‘

@Gupton68

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

@Akinjoshua2017

When nobody volunteers to present and the teacher says they’re going to start picking at random

@10InchesPlus

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

@Marlebean

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

@HenpeckedHal

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

@DaHess1

I told my dentist I wanted whiter teeth so he named them all Bryce and moved them to a gated community.

@daemonic3

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?