“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

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My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret


Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?


I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”


HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye


My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”


Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?



Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.


Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”