“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
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Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.