Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
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Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.