Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
You Might Also Like
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store