Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!