Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.

I feel a bit deprived…….

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?

Victor Frankenstein: No.

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.