Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:

– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad

– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise

– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral

– there’s like a groom or w/e idc

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

No one:

My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?

What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score

Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.