captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
![]()
You Might Also Like
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
![]()
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”