Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels