Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Real bees work best

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.

Men: Remember that time…

Women: Yes

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”

It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]