captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.