Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.

“Excited to be here!” I tell him.

The host eyes me. “Are you?”

My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.

“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.

Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:

The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one

A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”

There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet

landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”

me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.

landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.