Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!

But is it really??

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.

My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies

Mad Max: Furry Road

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok

Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!

Me: 🙁

My chameleon: 🙂

Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.