Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

[At a Christening]

Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.

Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Dead animal names:

A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon

no one:

my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate

Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Brother?

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.