Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?

Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

motivation

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied

japanese corn