Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
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Golf would be better with landmines.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
my dad when a sex scene comes on
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!