*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
the chicken was already gone when I got here
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it