*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
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major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Best spoiler warning ever
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.