Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.

I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.

two people or more is called a problem

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won’t die a virgin.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school