Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot