My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?