Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Hmmmmmmm….
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
