Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
he was correct
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
