If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Wake me when AI does housework
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.