Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.

My appointment is for a colonoscopy.

ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

[begging for change]

POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave

ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE

POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?

I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

me: you were supposed to draw me one shape and divide it into equal shares….I see 5 cookies and…what are these?

student: dragons

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.

ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’

HER: I need to see other people.