Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
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i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Bro what is this
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Any refunds available?…
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them