Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract

If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants

me: *taking underpants off my head* fine

Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news

Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*