Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Mad Max Arctic Road
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When you find yourself walking on sunshine and realize you can’t trust Google Maps
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.