Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
I mean…but I did
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
BRAKING NEWS!!
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Mission: Impossible
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no