Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
You Might Also Like
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
A recipe for laughter
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.