Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me