Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it

He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.

I sat back and watched it all unfold.

My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”

Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

A Monday every week is excessive

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

The booster protects against what, now?

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.

This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

alcohol is actually a performance-enhancing drug. but you’re not gonna like the performance

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.