CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

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Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen


Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!


I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas


Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.


Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.


when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table


Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.


Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.


Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.


What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.