@SvnSxty

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

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@Sickayduh

I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary

@BMcCarthy32

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

@awkwardphilippe

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

@badbanana

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@faiza__tg

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

@TheHatStore

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

@Breadery

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

@CatsVsHumanity

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…