@SvnSxty

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

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@fro_vo

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@KoJo_Sunshine

I have 6 locks on my door. When I leave, I lock 3. So no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking 3. Suckas

@juliussharpe

Facebook’s “People you may know” should be called, “People you definitely know and have been avoiding”.

@HoneyWooWoo

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

@UncleDuke1969

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

@Derpey

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.

@QwertyJones3

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

@mxmclain

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

@capnwatsisname

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.