I’m glad the guy who came up with “No means no” didn’t do the whole dictionary
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
You Might Also Like
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…