Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing

Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

terminator: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: I said–

me: I’m thinking

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

bartender: the usual?

me: you know it

bartender: [throws me thru window]

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”

It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

This made me smile…

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!

Me at 35: oh