Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

[playing checkers]

him: king me

me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

whatcha thinkin bout

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.